The “Pile”…
- 07.22.10
- Blog
- 6 Comments
Being hired recently on the blog is truly an honor…but as most of you have seen from the love Cindy and Kevin share, they are my true inspiration for what I want and deserve in my life. I mean, what can make a person feel more single that reading about two gag-me, head-over-heels-in-love people like them?
In short….I felt it was necessary to share my part in what they will now miss for the rest of their “happily ever after” by no longer needing to play in the “dating game” that I find myself STILL in. Although the desperation in my profile picture paints one picture…I must divulge that I am not the my-clock-is-ticking or this-wasn’t-on-my-life-plan-I-made-at-age-11-type nor am I in the Alanis Morissette-men-hating-why-me rampage either. I am a woman wanting what Cindy and Kevin have. But we all must endure the woes of dating…
First off, I think it is important to share a story of my own dating experience of the recent years. Now we all have the rebounds, the dead weights, the liars, the cheaters, the creepers, and of course…the completely incompatible ones that we find ourselves with looooong past the expiration date…but what about the “how did I get in this situation” ones?
How do I express my distaste for the guy who slept in my parking lot for three hours after unsuccessfully trying to BREAK IN MY SLIDING GLASS DOOR? Or the one who DISAGREED with me ending things after a short one month relationship and continued to call back repetitively to talk me back into it? Or the one who introduced me to his group of friends by the incorrect name and still expected to “snuggle” with me? And my personal favorite….how about the guy who gave me a lightbulb as a first date gift meaning “you turn me on”?
So the “situation” is this: we all have our dating expectations. From time to time, those expectations may turn into desperation, but as I get older I realize that path has led me to decipher highly inappropriate behavior for a first date. And what better way to display inappropriate behavior than leading to a story of a past date….
Why I don’t meet men at bars: The initial conversation was your meaningless bar flirtation that led to a Friday night date where I found myself waiting for the man to show. What seemed like a perfectly decent divorcee…turned out to be a nightmare. From showing up at my door, I knew this was an EPIC fail. I am funny and fairly easy to talk to but I am pretty sure none of my introductions should start with “delicious”. I am not food. We venture to a restaurant where he felt it was normal to sit at the bar and eat, all while pounding vodka tonics and checking his phone relentlessly. Dinner turned into a pub crawl. I think we made it to 4 bars, all of which he proceeded to pound drinks and act more inappropriately. With that being said….guess who dropped me off and couldn’t drive home. Needless to say, that pile slept on the couch with expectations to leave VERY early and I slept with my door locked. Did I forget to mention the part where he tried several times to unlock the door? Or that he was 36? What I would give for him to be reading this….hey buddy, give me your ex-wife’s number….I’d like to apologize to her for being married to you. I only had to endure one night.
Again, congrats to Kevin and Cindy who were able to make a successful union but some of us know that they were not immune to the woes of dating….boy, are you missing out.
gaelgwen on 
Kay Mansfield
Ohhhh, Emma. I can throw down the dating horror stories for hours. The saddest and most hilarious part of it all? I’ve only been dating for about 6 months after a divorce and I already forget the names of some of the horrible dates I’ve been on (I think it’s like post-traumatic stress disorder).
How about the guy that I met at church who called me a judmental crazy woman for describing myself as a Christian? Really, buddy?! I met you at church. Under the cross. After communion.
Or perhaps we can discuss the really awesome first date where the man pounded cranberry and vodka drinks before realizing he forgot his insulin pump…and the AMBULANCE had to come and get him from the bar (because he was sweating, shaking, and babbling incoherently). It was pretty uncomfortable when the EMT handed me the dude’s phone and asked me to call his mom. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Hi, yeah, um, this is Sara.
Dude’s mom: What?! Did you steal Micheal’s phone? Who is this? Do you know what time it is?!
Me: Yeah, no, I didn’t steal his phone, I’m on a date with him and–
Dude’s mom: Oh, that’s nice honey! Can I talk to him? Are you having a good time?
Me:Yeah, um, he’s in the hospital because he had a…um…insulin attack??
Dude’s mom: AAAAHHH!!! WHAT?! (incoherent yelling, then Dude’s Dad gets on the phone)
But my all time favorite? The man who showed up on a first date with his…cat. I am not kidding. We met at an outdoor coffee shop, and he walked up with his cat on a leash. I really thought it was a joke, I was waiting on someone to pop out of the bushes and yell, SURPRISE YOU’RE ON CANDID CAMERA!!! No such luck. I will say, though, Frodo (cat’s name) was very well behaved.
I couldn’t even make up these stories. Wanna write a book with me?
Man, I hope these stories keep on coming….classic stuff.
Kevin – there are two sides to this:
1) Women think they’re the only ones with these kinds of stores – they’re not.
2) There is probably another relatively obscure blog someplace with some girl’s story about their awful impression of you and me. Now, I’ve never brought a cat, never gotten drunk, never used the word “delicious” and never broken a sliding glass door, however I have had a couple of instances where there were not enough “o”s in “smooth” to describe me on a date.
Fortunately, I’m out of that game and thankfully so!
That should be “stories”, dammit.
Hey Ladies
I had to throw in a couple of my personal pre-Kevin favs. I will tell you that the first one doesn’t exactly make me look so great. I met random #1 while serving. He hung around until after my shift was over and we had a couple drinks. I gave him my number and we set up a date. I had a moment of clarity while waiting for him to pick me up. My friends were all at our favorite hangout and wanting me to come. I turned all the lights off in my apartment and sat in the dark. When he arrived and knocked on the door, I pretended not to be home. I sat in the dark listening to the phone ring for about 20 minutes. I waited for him to pull away and then ducked out the back to meet my friends. When he called the next day I pretended to be mad that he had stood me up and refused to give him a second chance. I met random #2 in a bar in Louisville. I thought it was extremely sweet when he asked me out and recommended we go to church together the following Sunday. That is, until I got to church and realized he was “Kentucky” Pentecostal. His family led the church and minutes into service his mom, sister, and aunt were dancing at the alter chanting in tongues. It was all I could do not to laugh out loud!
Last but not least, my fav of favs. My one time foray into online dating. I met a guy via Yahoo! personals and he seemed awesome. Dare I say “too good to be true”? We set up a dinner date. I was very excited, he was really cute and we had great phone conversations. I walked into the restaurant bar and didn’t see him anywhere. A couple minutes later a strange man approached me and introduced myself. It was my date. Not even 20 lbs and 10 years ago, but a completely different person that the picture. I don’t know whose picture he posted, but it definitely wasn’t his. I tried to maintain my composure as we sat down to dinner. (I was a single mom, I couldn’t afford to give up a free meal and I already had a sitter. It was basic economics.) When the server brought out our appetizer, he asked me out. Random #3 explained that we were on a date. The server laughed and said he was sorry. Later when I excused myself to the restroom the server stopped me to explain that I could do much better and not to sell myself so short. Needless to say, I skipped dessert and gladly went home to Xavier. I closed my Yahoo! personals account the next day.
I’m gonna have to agree with Kurt here. Although the percentage of crazy women is probably a little less due to the science of “dating”, there are many stories to tell on the male side of this equation. Hell, I’ve even been on the side of doing some dumb things as a guy, but mostly during my college dating years when I was just dumb, insecure, and inexperienced. That’s a whole other blog….that will never be written.
Good stuff again Emma. and I love the other stories. Glad I was able to save one of these women